Monthly Archives: October 2019

Sometimes It Feels As If

I never spoke, n’er uttered out one word

That made it to your heart to show my care.

My gestures have all flown south like the birds.

My expressions like the fog of long-cleared air.

 

I try to do well by putting Him first,

then you or I or something blocks the way.

So I’ll never speak or utter out one word

Duly expressing the fervency with which I pray.

 

 

 

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The Way

Jesus found me

Hurt by my own sin

Too much alcohol, drugs, and lust

 

To even Begin,

To talk to Him.

 

Jesus found me

Crying out for fear of snakes

Of Death and Firey Lakes

 

Of overindulgence

In Self and Mistakes.

 

Jesus found me

Crying on the bedroom

Floor. Crying out for more.

 

My mother asked me to pray

And my heart finally opened the door.

 

Jesus found me and gave me Hope and Light.

He promises to make everything right.

He promises that any struggle I feel

Can be overcome and I can be brought to

a Love that is fully real.

 

He spun me around like his clay

And showed me his miraculous ways.

He pulled me from the river into the sun.

 

And now He sees me and we walk as One.

 

He sees me all day and restores my peace

Moment by moment we breathe.

We smile, we walk, and we speak.

 

And now the hours, the days, and the weeks

Are mild and majestic and free

He is as close as my own two feet.

And everything above and beneath.

Now I know that when we meet in the End,

He will call me his friend.

 

Even if he wouldn’t pretend that I behaved

Like an Angel from cradle to grave.

 

He would be honest in how his heart grieved

When I was selfish or mean or deceived,

And then mercifully lend me his sleeve,

For He loves us.

All Who Believe.

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Alone, Together (Ekphrasis): A foreword and a New Poem, Finally!

It’s been over a year since I’ve written anything I like. So when the first few lines of this one came to me at about 5am during insomnia I thought, well *deep breath* now I’ve got to get up and write a poem. I am glad I let it flow instead of dissipate. I like this one, as bleak as it may read. I have found a good publishing company, Christian Faith Publishing, but I can’t at all afford to publish right now, though doing so would be a dream come true.

I have been battling vicious schizophrenic phenomena (completely normal in my situation: “research shows that, especially for recently bereaved people, it is not uncommon to hear the voice of someone who isn’t actually there speaking to you, or who may even be dead” [Mental Health Foundation]), panic disorder, and (possibly manic) depression. My faith in Christ comes with powerful waves of peace and joy that last only a few hours these days. Stability is not something I find recently. I am still very heartbroken for my circumstances in this world. I even found myself irrationally acting out at my own beautiful mother just because she referenced the people in my life I have lost. I don’t even recognize myself in those moments. But I will continue to try to heal. And I thank God for the patience, forgiveness, compassion and support of my parents and friends and family. I am a fallen soul. It is God’s great love that gives me what strength I find. Praise Jesus.

Alone, Together (Ekphrasis)

It is together we have turned from God.

Alone, together, each turns back and prays.

 

It is together we grasp ourselves to time.

It is alone that we lose track of days.

 

To meet, we strongly seek a special place.

Yet each one floats adrift in a sea of space.

 

It is together that we joy and mourn.

It is alone we let go of it all.

 

The good we seek in each other, we find, forlorn.

As through fate each comes to terms with his own fall.

 

Adjoined to a mother’s womb as we are born,

It is alone that we release our form.

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